Big Sis Knows Best...about MN's Worst...

 Read this and prepare to laugh:



http://mylifeonthevlist.blogspot.com/2009/10/la-z-drunk.html

Can't really improve on this...thanks Nat, for reminding us that the Mid West really is amazing.

Pratt-tastic

This shouldn't really be a surprise to anyone, but the male version of Spencer Pratt, Stephanie Pratt, was arrested Sunday morning for being to smashed to drive her stupid luxury vehicle she did nothing to deserve. After spending a night out celebrating Montag-mess' birthday, she obivously overindulged on the lemon drops. This girl is textbook hot mess, and I'm not sure why the execs behind The Hills think we want to see this blonded out anorexic biatch parade around being a drunky drunk. This is why people hate everyone from Socal, cuz these fine ladies are parading around like life is a giant frat party, but I guess it is is for them. So sad. So lame. What are they gonna do in ten years? Maybe she can join Laguna Beacher Jessica flippin burgers at In-N-Out....grillled onions, no tomato, Jess. Thanks biatch. 
Lets go back to the good ol days where LC would wreak her calm havoc on she-Pratt...better yet, send that crazy Cavallari on her. Or J.Bobby. What a loser.

Bloody Brits...

Yet another reason to add to the list of why I want to be a Brit. Move over, Posh, Iro's skipping across the pond.

The cheap-drink Tuesday night special at the Attic bar in Newcastle, England, in early September was a money-back guarantee at the end of the night to anyone who could still legally drive (measured by the bar's breathalyzer), with the evening's most-alcohol-saturated customer drinking free the following week. The Newcastle City Council soon convinced the bar it was a bad idea. [The Mail, 9-9-09]

Catholic Karma

A 45-year-old devout Catholic was killed recently in Vienna, Austria, shortly after a harrowing experience on a stuck elevator. The man had been so traumatized that, following his rescue, he went straight to the Weinhaus Church to give thanks. However, as he approached the altar, an 850-pound stone pillar fell and crushed him. [Austrian Times, 9-9-09; Daily Telegraph (London), 9-10-09]

"I'm Gonna Let You Finish But..."

Okay, ya'll, be ready to handle d-bag Kanye West crying a freaking river the Sunday after Taylor Swift hosts SNL on Saturday, November 7. No one feels sorry for him anymore, no one cares anymore. You can't keep defending yourself Kanye, cuz guess what? Now everyone knows you really are a narcissistic, idiotic, no talent thug. THUG. I hope T. Swift obliterates you. Makes you cry on Leno again. It really is sad to see this grown man act in this way, but what is even more shocking is how many people still buy his crap music. It's pretty much all about how much he loves himself and likes to shave words into his stupid buzz cuts. Take a hint from Paula, overdose on drugs, and shut the hell up.

Go get em, Taylor. Then run him over with that subway car you so graciously rocked out on.

Hit Us... One More Time

 Oh Britney Britney Britney....I know now firsthand what youre capable of...what is this new 3 crap? And, why is it the number one song on iTunes? Come on people! I heard two songs at the conert that would put this to shame...a cool remix to Sweet Dreams and she even dropped Hit Me Baby One More Time on us...so come on B. Spears. K Fed is obviously a hot mess, and then some, so why are you resorting to the first thing they can throw into a synthesizer? Even the sugar high you have your shorties on wont be able to distract them from the crap that is this song. So lets get back on track B.
I want you back in the red cat suit. Stat.

Dear Lizzie McGuire,

Hello, again,Lizzie...
After your somewhat long hiatus, and bit of a failure of a movie with Mr. One Tree Hill, you have come back to slightly annoy us all.I finally got some quality time with TiVO, and see you have joined the royalty of the CW on Gossip Girl. While I admire your current non-trainwrecky status, (unlike counterpart LiLo) I cant help but wonder how long you're going to be able to hold your own with S and B. Nevertheless, I trust you to entertain me for at least half a season,  even if you're nothing more than someone for Georgina to destroy, I will most likely enjoy your brief stay.
Just do me a favor and keep the head wear and accessories to Ms. Waldorf.
XOXO
Iro

If Joe is a Six-Pack, You're a One-Pack

Sara. Sweetie. Let's talk for a second. Socialism. Say it with me. So-cial-ism Good. Now without the Mid-West accent, even though your from Eskimo country. I do not understand how this "governor" can parade around this country calling Obama "Barack the Wealth Spreader", suggesting that he is attempting to make this a socialist country. Ironically, but not surprisingly, Alaska is hands down the most "socialist" state in this country. In September, Sara herself told an interviewer that she is aiming to "spread the wealth"  generated by oil companies in Alaska. This state brings in so much damn oil money there is no sales tax, no income tax. In fact, each and every Alaskan gets a check for $3200 from ACES. That includes Bristol and that little bean of hers. These things are all good and well, and I only wish California could get their bills in order as well as Alaska is. But don't go calling our President a socialist nazi when you probably don't even know what that means. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Or in this case, the beer keg calling the can black.

"Shes like the Martin Luther King Jr. for Hot Drunk Blondes"

I would like to take a moment to recognize the comic genius of a Ms. Chelsea Handler. She is my Oprah.Watch out ConeZone, this funny lady is taking over late night, and for good reason. I hope she jay walks right over your big bobble of a head, Leno. About time we saw a sister up there with the not so funny boys. If you haven't checked her out yet, watch her show on E, or see her in person. It will change your life. I promise. With her doing, the mentioning of Speidi ( the disease otherwise known as Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag) is not allowed on E. Nice work, Chelsea, nice work. She's also authored two hilarious books, and I am not at all ashamed to say that I have read them both. More than once. It's not often that we see a woman able to throw punches at ridonk celebs as hard as Chelsea does. I now actually pity Lindsay Lohan, as the amount of verbal abuse shes taken from Chelsea alone is pretty shocking. I probably shouldn't be telling you all where to find this comic genius though, as much of what I say is simply me reiterating what I heard from my girl Chels....oh well. My funny days are over.I sacrifice in the name of love for the Handler.

She will also be gracing the cover of Playboy in December, but, being the classy lady she is, will not go full monty. Shes apparently saving something for that silver fox of hers.
**Playboy will not be a theme on this blog, albeit at this point it must seem like it is. This is the last mentioning of the mag. Promise.
Unless Hef dies. Which is pretty damn likely.

Pumpkin Palooza

 yes

 

not so bueno

I'm all for the seasons and all the celebratory novelty food items that come along with that, but I must say, pumpkin has gotten a bit out of control. Do I need to drink pumpkin in the first thing in the morning? No. Nor do I need pumpkin muffins, ice cream, yogurt, granola, bread, or pasta. Pumpkin beer? Try again, sport. I must confess I get excited every season for these pumpkined up beverages, and they never fail to dissapoint. Lets enjoy the changing of the seasons outside instead of restricting it to a paper cup.Keep the pumpkin to porches and pie, people. Please and thank you.

Blue haired Bunny?

Must be hard for the old geezer...can't even tell the difference between "real" and cartoon people anymore. Not quite the ladies man lately, huh Hef?

Beware of the Barista

I must admit I fall victim to the allure of the green mermaid almost daily; this is not something that I am proud of. As much as I would like to say I venture out to the local coffee shop, they are unfortunately hard to come by here in the potato. The abundance of independent coffee shops in cities like Portland and Seattle brings me to espresso nirvana. I would feel betrayed by Bucks if I found out the local coffee shack I was making extra effort to go was actually owned by the big bad coffee nazis. Check out this article. This is fair warning, you big city espresso enthusiasts.
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2009479123_starbucks16.html

Adios, Coors Light

In my short but sweet month and a half since being old enough to legally enjoy an adult beverage, I have been fortunate enough to be able to hit two of the West Coasts finest breweries. Last weekend, I,along with a cousin and her hubby, hit up Sierra Nevada Brewing CO. in Chico, California. We were delighted by the food, and after tasting many a brew,I am happy to say I have found my new favorite. I thoroughly enjoy the Kellerweis Hef, and luckily,it is now available to the masses.
Just a couple days ago, while enjoying the autumn beauty of Portland, Oregon, we were lucky enough to stumble upon Deschutes Brewery Pub House. Although this wasn't the main brewery itself, this brewery produces their killer seasonal brews year round. Another point for Portland. My love for pretzels of any variety drew us to order the soft pretzel, a must if visiting this tasty, cozy restaurant. SoCal waitresses should take note from our Northern counterparts; they know how to do it right up there.

A Perfect Circus

I have finally come to the point where I am ready, willing and able to admit that I am a fan of Ms. B. Spears. Yes, she went on a bit of a hiatus, but who doesn't want to smash in a car window with an umbrella once in a while? On a recent trip to Vegas, I was lucky enough to see Ms. Oops I Did it Again in the flesh. That deserves a little r-e-s-p-e-c-t.Britney knows how to end a tour right, as this was the very last performance of the Circus tour, and she wanted to go out with a bang.Needless, to say, it was an absolute glorious spectacle. The low point luckily didn't fall on Britneys shoulders, either. Some producer with a Napoleon complex made a bad decision in having Jordin Sparks open, who oddly resembled a male Tina Tuner impersonator. However, after the half hour countdown to Ms. Spears, chaos ensued, and it was quite the show. Well done, Britney, well done. Its official, people. Britney is back, bitches.

The Beginning

So, here we go. In lieu of current economic times, it's safe to say I won't be going to any newspaper desk job soon after graduating at Cal State StairMaster. I therefore feel the need to enlighten you all ( assuming that more than one person skims this) on what I would likely be reporting on otherwise, although it is highly doubtful that any self respecting editor would want such trivial reportings surfacing on any newspaper. As much as I love TJ's, I'm not planning on schelping beans on to sheleves forever. So consider the blossoming of my journalistic ventures. And so I digress.